Tag Archives: future

Mile Marker… 50

I hit fifty pounds down today. It has been a long road. This isn’t about just eating less, it is about eating right. Protein first!! A chunk of every week is spent prepping and working through what I am going to eat and how I am going to get protein into every meal. I now have a pattern and sometimes I get bored with the meals. But I am learning that routine is important. I eat the same thing day after day and I make sure to keep going to the gym every day. Routine is the heart of change. I am keeping to my new routine and it seems to be working so on to the next day

Work it out

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So they want you workingout as much as possible. My gym is only open Monday thru Friday so I try to make it every day. My choice recumbent bike (the kind you look like you are sitting in a chair) such a great choice! I can even read a book while I bike. I have also started pulling in weights this week. The dedication I need blows me away. It is hard getting out there so much but I need to remember it will be worth it and maybe someday I will love it!

Pain of our Past – Changing my Perspective…

So there is this great quote in Chapt 4 … “God wants us to ask hard questions and look for answers that usher us into the depths of His redeeming love.” He wants us to ask those questions… He loves us so much that He wants to make sure that we come to him in every situation; you can’t do that unless you DO ask the hard questions. You have to actually ask them though it is different than just accepting blindly that every thing happens for a reason. I do believe that everything has a reason. But sometimes the reason is just to get you to ask. To bring you in so close to that when you lean your head on to His chest you can feel His breath on the top of your head. He wants you that close. To touch, to feel, to match your breathing with His. He loves you… and there is nothing you can do about anything else in the world. Everything is out of control, so hold Him like your life depends on it cause it does. And that gets you to the point where you realize that ” He offers hope for our future despite the pain of our past.” Every time I think about God forgiving our past I think of the sins we have committed. Well for me the problem came in that I was the “goody two shoes”. Not only did I “do” all the right things but I actually WANTED to do the right things. But I was still miserable. I obviously wasn’t perfect and still don’t know why I was miserable but I think a lot of it I was so concentrated on “doing” and not “being”. But then again there is no way to really figure out exactly anything where God is concerned. But it scares me going forward because what if being “all in” looks like it did in the past. Don’t know that I could do it. So I am stuck KNOWING that God has all the answers and Loves me desperately and wants me to be close to Him, but now I am so scared. It was here that I realized that when God forgives us of our sin it isn’t always the obvious sins of lying or sleeping around or killing people or swearing… all those “normal” sins that I held myself so high for not committing. But the sin of not trusting God, not believing in His promises; are also included.

Fat Girl Diary (FGD)….. It all Starts Here

You know when I see someone that is “larger than normal” I usually think (to myself) I hope I never  let myself get that big…. well here I stand at 300 lbs. I think the thing that works against me is i don’t “look” like I weigh that much. No one would guess my weight (I am seriously considering going to one of those places where they try to guess weight and age – cause I don’t look 37 either). But there it is the stark truth… I am fat!!! (and not in that I’m a skinny girl but think I am fat way….)

It starts with a decision to change. Some say this is the hardest step, but I have decided this so many times and unfortunately it usually ends with me in agony… sleeping a big chunk of the day. So I have started (again) this time with a little more support than normal and a determination to make it (VERY slowly). My goal… lose 70 lbs in 2 years. I wanted something attainable and not to make myself feel like a failure (which is usually what happens).

So then I started thinking…. how can I lose weight???? Oh and with no money cause I have no money… so videos that’s cheap! But you know what … they don’t have work out videos for “fat” girls.  They have the token chunky  girl and I suppose it is to inspire  us to lose weight but show me a fat girl that can’t get anywhere near the movement and then maybe I will be able to work on it.

I also have trouble with the eating part of it!! My absolutely wonderful sister suggested I go vegan… yeah right?!?!?!?! I couldn’t possibly go with out steak. But I have worked on cutting out fast food (this is huge!!) and I now count calories…. MyFitnessPal is freaking amazing! So I am doing baby steps… to prove that I can… and to get over all the times I have seen those very frustrating quotes about how I can do things but just don’t … it’s a LIE (at least for me)

But my best friend through all of this is my pain meds… otherwise I wouldn’t be this far…. and so the battle continues… one day, one step at a time…

The Unexpected Meet!

So when I left work yesterday I was all excited…. I was going to see my boyfriend, whom I hadn’t seen for TWO WEEKS!!! I was excited I got off work early and took care of some errands and waited….
about the time we were supposed to meet up I got a call. His boys missed their flight home 😦
Now I told him a about a month ago that I had no need to meet the boys so soon. His ex blames me for them breaking up (way off base) but that is how hurt people see things, I figured his boys needed to know that he loved them and that they were the most important thing to him. …..
so they needed a place to stay…. WHAT?!?!?! …. I kinda freaked out… I have never met them and now I was providing housing??? Ooh my goodness.
Luckily I was housesitting and they had a dog and Netflix and that was about all they cared about.
I was also nervous about what K had told them about me… but he held my hand an nothing else mattered. I was immediately at ease…I turned the car on so they could sit in the warmth while we [over]packed the car! I don’t think the Honda Civics were made to have so much stuff. Every available space (including the air above each person) was packed to capacity.
After a lovely evening fending off the dog and trying to figure out Netflix Instant Watch (in other words the TV spazed out so we went to bed) I got to sit and talk with my man! Oh how I have missed him 😀 And this morning we all had to be up around 4:30 AM (now I know it must be love I don’t get up that early for ANYONE!!!!) and I got a peak into what the future {might} hold.
Between getting up two adolescent boys, one super hyper dog, AND me.. it was a mess… but all in all we got out the door and on the road a meer 6 mins after our “must” leave time.
They dropped me off at work and are on their way to the airport … where *hopefully* they will fly home, and I have met the boys that my man loves and we shall have to see what kind of wrath the ex brings down on us*sigh.