Tag Archives: hope

Mile Marker… 50

I hit fifty pounds down today. It has been a long road. This isn’t about just eating less, it is about eating right. Protein first!! A chunk of every week is spent prepping and working through what I am going to eat and how I am going to get protein into every meal. I now have a pattern and sometimes I get bored with the meals. But I am learning that routine is important. I eat the same thing day after day and I make sure to keep going to the gym every day. Routine is the heart of change. I am keeping to my new routine and it seems to be working so on to the next day

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Dreaded Candy Bowl

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At work we have a candy bowl…. I pass it on my way into work every morning and it is HORRIBLE. The hardest thing to say no to right in my face every morning. And if I by chance make it passed with not eating any of the candy I think of it all day. Sugar really is addictive! And it tastes so good. So I am getting ready for the holiday season by not eating candy every day. I have made 2 days in a row with no candy from the candy bowl. My next goal….3 days hopefully I will get there next week but for now… I had a couple candy corns right after I took the pic lol

One Year to the Date…

So a year ago was the worst day of my life. I had circumstances that were not ideal but that wasn’t the what put me over the edge. I knew things would get better I just didn’t want to wait for that time. So I made a plan… I was going to stop at a liquor store go home and down a bottle of pills with a bottle of booze. Thankfully I pulled over on the side of the road instead and called my counselor. She convinced me to drive to my friends house and we decided that I would go into the hospital. Now here I am a year later and I can’t say that I have always been happy to get through this but things are better now. I am so very thankful for the people that have gotten me through the last year, because I know that it takes a community.

34 down

I don’t know what it is but 30 was a milestone for me. I think the thought of all that I have to lose is too much and so it has to be broken up into small (bite size if you will) pieces; and 30 was the first bite.

Next goal….45 and I want to hit it before the month is out. which means… I need to keep to the better foods (PROTEIN first) eating the smaller portions are easy I just can’t fit the food I used to ūüôā but it is real easy to have something “good” but not “good for me”. ¬†I think this is where I am getting into trouble. Now don’t get me wrong I am still losing 3 pounds a week and that is pretty good. I do think I could do better and am hoping for it!

Work it out

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So they want you workingout as much as possible. My gym is only open Monday thru Friday so I try to make it every day. My choice recumbent bike (the kind you look like you are sitting in a chair) such a great choice! I can even read a book while I bike. I have also started pulling in weights this week. The dedication I need blows me away. It is hard getting out there so much but I need to remember it will be worth it and maybe someday I will love it!

Week 1

DSC02317I opted to stay with my grandmother for the first week after surgery. It¬† was a nice oasis and great to get away. I read 3 books and drank all my meals. It was a bit brutal when grandma would ask if I could eat different things, and I had to keep telling her NO. But I made it through the first week with just eating protein shakes and resting. My reward was I lost 12 pounds…

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These two photos are one week apart and I am so excited!! I went in for my one week appointment and they said I am healing well and things are going well. For the next two weeks I get to eat some foods…

– Refried Beans

– Greek Yogurt

– Egg Whites

– Sugar Free Pudding

– Cottage Cheese (which I don’t like)

But such sweet succulent  meals I feel like they are amazing!!

Hospital Stay

So this is about 2 weeks out from surgery and it is but a memory now. Day of was very long I got there early (with no food from like 6pm the night before) and had to wait ALL DAY LONG. I didn’t go in until about 4:30 in the evening. Needless to say I was starving and going stir crazy having been checked in to the hospital since 8:30 that morning. We (grandma and I) played cards and watched TV and got bored of both. Grandma ended up leaving an hour and a half before I went in (to avoid traffic and night time driving)

Going in for surgery is always interesting. These days they keep you awake as they wheel you into the operating room. I don’t know if this is supposed to give you a sense of comfort or if they just want you to move yourself to the operating table. Either way it is kind of eerie. After getting onto the operating table I don’t remember too much they hooked me up to a bunch of different machines and I was out.

The best part of waking up from the surgery was I had a pain drip, every 10 mins I could administer pain meds myself. Apparently the surgery went well (so everyone says) and I was up and walking just a few short hours after. I did have to take swallows for the contrast xrays (nasty stuff) but with no leaks I was able to start drinking. I got an ounce of water and an ounce of ice chips every hour. How lucky was I?!?!?!

I am pretty sure I started losing weight right away as I hadn’t eaten any kind of food for over 24 hours.

My best friend came to visit me in the hospital and helped me take my first unsteady steps. But I was walking in no time and talking on the phone with my mom; and by that point it was 11 at night.

The next morning I got to start “eating” or rather drinking clear protein shakes (still only once ounce at an hour) but it was like manna from heaven. They had me up and walking every couple hours, to keep away the blood clots. By noon I was quite antsy to leave and worked on getting dressed all by myself and taken care of. It was such a relief to get picked up by my roommate and I was so excited to be leaving with my clear protein, pain medicationDSC02319, and breathing apparatus.DSC02318

 

Looking Through the Glass

On Saturday I start my clear liquids leading up to surgery. ¬†For two days I get to “eat” only things that you can see through…. So for two days I get to eat broth, Jello (yipee), and Isopure with apple juice as a topper! I have to actually make it through a day of work and a day off (where I will be packing everything for the hospital and the week after). Probably sleeping a lot to get my mind off the fact that I am not eating properly!!

It has also been quite the money adventure. My liquid vitamins were approximately $100 and just spent another $50 on my clear liquids! It will be about $75 for the week after surgery (actually pretty good for a week’s worth of food) and then ¬†the fun starts.

I have had all my “lasts” pretty much getting in crazy things like brie and a loaf of bread, or Italian Nachos from Old Chicago, Noodles and Co¬†(and I can now see why I am fat ūüėČ ), cheesecake and cupcakes are also on the list; and yes I did gain another 7 lbs gearing up for surgery!!

 

Pain of our Past – Changing my Perspective…

So there is this great quote in Chapt 4 … “God wants us to ask hard questions and look for answers that usher us into the depths of His redeeming love.” He wants us to ask those questions… He loves us so much that He wants to make sure that we come to him in every situation; you can’t do that unless you DO ask the hard questions. You have to actually ask them though it is different than just accepting blindly that every thing happens for a reason. I do believe that everything has a reason. But sometimes the reason is just to get you to ask. To bring you in so close to that when you lean your head on to His chest you can feel His breath on the top of your head. He wants you that close. To touch, to feel, to match your breathing with His. He loves you… and there is nothing you can do about anything else in the world. Everything is out of control, so hold Him like your life depends on it cause it does. And that gets you to the point where you realize that ” He offers hope for our future despite the pain of our past.” Every time I think about God forgiving our past I think of the sins we have committed. Well for me the problem came in that I was the “goody two shoes”. Not only did I “do” all the right things but I actually WANTED to do the right things. But I was still miserable. I obviously wasn’t perfect and still don’t know why I was miserable but I think a lot of it I was so concentrated on “doing” and not “being”. But then again there is no way to really figure out exactly anything where God is concerned. But it scares me going forward because what if being “all in” looks like it did in the past. Don’t know that I could do it. So I am stuck KNOWING that God has all the answers and Loves me desperately and wants me to be close to Him, but now I am so scared. It was here that I realized that when God forgives us of our sin it isn’t always the obvious sins of lying or sleeping around or killing people or swearing… all those “normal” sins that I held myself so high for not committing. But the sin of not trusting God, not believing in His promises; are also included.

Fat Girl Diary (FGD)….. It all Starts Here

You know when I see someone that is “larger than normal” I usually think (to myself) I hope I never¬† let myself get that big….¬†well here I stand at 300 lbs. I think the thing that works against me is i don’t “look” like I weigh that much. No one would guess my weight (I am seriously considering going to one of those places where they try to guess weight and age – cause I don’t look 37 either). But there it is the stark truth… I am fat!!! (and not in that I’m a skinny girl but think I am fat way….)

It starts with a decision to change. Some say this is the hardest step, but I have decided this so many times and unfortunately it usually ends with me in agony… sleeping a big chunk of the day. So I have started (again) this time with a little more support than normal and a determination to make it (VERY slowly). My goal… lose 70 lbs in 2 years. I wanted something attainable and not to make myself feel like a failure (which is usually what happens).

So then I started thinking…. how can I lose weight???? Oh and with no money cause I have no money… so videos that’s cheap! But you know what … they don’t have work out videos for “fat” girls. ¬†They have the token¬†chunky¬† girl and I suppose it is to¬†inspire¬† us to lose weight but show me a fat girl that can’t get anywhere near the movement and then maybe I will be able to work on it.

I also have trouble with the eating part of it!! My absolutely wonderful sister suggested I go vegan…¬†yeah right?!?!?!?! I couldn’t possibly go with out steak. But I have worked on cutting out fast food (this is huge!!) and I now count calories…. MyFitnessPal is freaking¬†amazing! So I am doing baby steps… to prove that I can… and to get over all the times I have seen those very frustrating quotes about how I can do things but just don’t … it’s a LIE (at least for me)

But my best friend through all of this is my pain meds… otherwise I wouldn’t be this far…. and so the battle continues… one day, one step at a time…