Tag Archives: pain

Hospital Stay

So this is about 2 weeks out from surgery and it is but a memory now. Day of was very long I got there early (with no food from like 6pm the night before) and had to wait ALL DAY LONG. I didn’t go in until about 4:30 in the evening. Needless to say I was starving and going stir crazy having been checked in to the hospital since 8:30 that morning. We (grandma and I) played cards and watched TV and got bored of both. Grandma ended up leaving an hour and a half before I went in (to avoid traffic and night time driving)

Going in for surgery is always interesting. These days they keep you awake as they wheel you into the operating room. I don’t know if this is supposed to give you a sense of comfort or if they just want you to move yourself to the operating table. Either way it is kind of eerie. After getting onto the operating table I don’t remember too much they hooked me up to a bunch of different machines and I was out.

The best part of waking up from the surgery was I had a pain drip, every 10 mins I could administer pain meds myself. Apparently the surgery went well (so everyone says) and I was up and walking just a few short hours after. I did have to take swallows for the contrast xrays (nasty stuff) but with no leaks I was able to start drinking. I got an ounce of water and an ounce of ice chips every hour. How lucky was I?!?!?!

I am pretty sure I started losing weight right away as I hadn’t eaten any kind of food for over 24 hours.

My best friend came to visit me in the hospital and helped me take my first unsteady steps. But I was walking in no time and talking on the phone with my mom; and by that point it was 11 at night.

The next morning I got to start “eating” or rather drinking clear protein shakes (still only once ounce at an hour) but it was like manna from heaven. They had me up and walking every couple hours, to keep away the blood clots. By noon I was quite antsy to leave and worked on getting dressed all by myself and taken care of. It was such a relief to get picked up by my roommate and I was so excited to be leaving with my clear protein, pain medicationDSC02319, and breathing apparatus.DSC02318



A New Adventure

A year ago I started a journey. I wanted to get in shape. I never had a number in mind I just wanted to be better. This past year has been a challenge but I have consistently worked out for a year that alone is a miracle and fills me with joy. I never really considered myself a gym rat…guess I proved myself wrong.
Well after a tough year of working out and eating better (ie not eating out) I lost about 20 pounds….again that is 20 pounds…that’s it?!?!?!?! All my hard work felt like it wasn’t worth it but I have kept on.
In this year I have lost the man I thought I was going to marry, moved into a small space making me get rid of about half of my possessions (like I needed that crap), and of course created my biggest injury that I have had yet.
Now I have spent a lot of my life in pain so I can’t say that I am surprised that I have another injury. So here I sit (cause standing hurts) needing a hip replacement. A freaking hip replacement before 40!!!! And for salt in the wound …I have to lose (at this point) 60 pounds before they will perform it. So this new adventure?….. I am going in for weight loss surgery, never thought I would ever do this but I am at my wits end. I am freaked out but here I go…

Pain of our Past – Changing my Perspective…

So there is this great quote in Chapt 4 … “God wants us to ask hard questions and look for answers that usher us into the depths of His redeeming love.” He wants us to ask those questions… He loves us so much that He wants to make sure that we come to him in every situation; you can’t do that unless you DO ask the hard questions. You have to actually ask them though it is different than just accepting blindly that every thing happens for a reason. I do believe that everything has a reason. But sometimes the reason is just to get you to ask. To bring you in so close to that when you lean your head on to His chest you can feel His breath on the top of your head. He wants you that close. To touch, to feel, to match your breathing with His. He loves you… and there is nothing you can do about anything else in the world. Everything is out of control, so hold Him like your life depends on it cause it does. And that gets you to the point where you realize that ” He offers hope for our future despite the pain of our past.” Every time I think about God forgiving our past I think of the sins we have committed. Well for me the problem came in that I was the “goody two shoes”. Not only did I “do” all the right things but I actually WANTED to do the right things. But I was still miserable. I obviously wasn’t perfect and still don’t know why I was miserable but I think a lot of it I was so concentrated on “doing” and not “being”. But then again there is no way to really figure out exactly anything where God is concerned. But it scares me going forward because what if being “all in” looks like it did in the past. Don’t know that I could do it. So I am stuck KNOWING that God has all the answers and Loves me desperately and wants me to be close to Him, but now I am so scared. It was here that I realized that when God forgives us of our sin it isn’t always the obvious sins of lying or sleeping around or killing people or swearing… all those “normal” sins that I held myself so high for not committing. But the sin of not trusting God, not believing in His promises; are also included.

Coolness Level : Black Belt!


Ok so maybe my black belt isn’t so cool .. But it does something that no other will… Hold my hip together. It’s weird but it’s true!!  It pulls my hip back towards the pelvic bone but only if it is in exactly the right spot. And yes I can tell when it isn’t…I am tired of pain. But I do have to admit that my black belt is better than your black belt!!!

Hope and Disappointment

This week’s verse, Is 43:23, is posing problems for me.

I worked in Christian Ministry for 15 plus years. 10 as full time. I find it very hard to swallow this verse; especially the end “Those who hope in me will not be disappointed” IS 49:23 For 10 years I chased after God and “did” everything that I felt I was supposed to do. Bible study, christian accountability, I preached, sung on the worship team and gave freely of my money and time. And I still felt disappointed in the hope that I had in God.
The only thing I have ever really wanted in my life was to be married. And it seems like it is the one thing God does not want me to have. Unfortunately there is no pat answer that will make me feel better or assure me that I will be able to have a husband someday.
2 years ago I met this amazing man and we dated for two years. I felt like God had finally brought me my hearts desire.
And then my boyfriend broke up with me. I am so scared to seek hard after God because I feel like he will ask me to be single for the rest of my life.
I did run across this verse “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as I trust in Him” Rom 15:13. I don’t know that I can trust God again.

It’s NOT a Sprint it’s a Marathon…

I am a sprinter…short bursts of all I have is what I do best. Unfortunately that is how I do everything in life. Give everything I’ve got for as long as I can then peter out….i have made it through a good chunk of life succeeding like this. Unfortunately it doesn’t work on this particular situation, in fact it is more of a rehabilitation than any thing else. It consists of concurring small mountains before going on to the bigger ones; and I am pretty sure I have the whole of the Rockies before me. Every time I make the summit I see another even bigger mountain on the horizon.
My new challenge…mornings. I really having my stretches done before I do other things I feel like I can succeed better at the little things through out the day if I have my muscles stretched out; however I am a true night owl. I hate mornings!!!! So the thought of getting up at 5am is brutal to me.  I am trying to keep my eye on the prize…. actually being able to hike the Rockies!!!

A big problem is in my minds eye I don’t see this….FGD

I need reality!!! … so bring on the mountains I’m going hiking!

My Daily Bread

wpid-IMAG0244.jpgSo I know most people mean actual bread but for me these days   …    I mean medications. And I know it is crazy  but I have decided to do whatever it takes to get through this. And honestly I am a bit scared. What if this never ends? What if I never lose the weight?

I am 30 weeks into the process and still pretty fat.

I do want to scream at every person that isn’t hugely over weight… Get on the ball NOW!!! I am so jealous of people that can move with out pain pills. I know I just have to keep going. You know when you are growing up people tell you to strive for your dreams… Well, my dream is to be able to walk a mile without pain, and to one year NOT topping out my flexible spending for medical insurance! Although reaching the maximum out of pocket is kind of exciting… 100% medical paid… bring it on!!

Don’t mind me I am taking another step forward.

Fat Girl Diary (FGD)….. It all Starts Here

You know when I see someone that is “larger than normal” I usually think (to myself) I hope I never  let myself get that big…. well here I stand at 300 lbs. I think the thing that works against me is i don’t “look” like I weigh that much. No one would guess my weight (I am seriously considering going to one of those places where they try to guess weight and age – cause I don’t look 37 either). But there it is the stark truth… I am fat!!! (and not in that I’m a skinny girl but think I am fat way….)

It starts with a decision to change. Some say this is the hardest step, but I have decided this so many times and unfortunately it usually ends with me in agony… sleeping a big chunk of the day. So I have started (again) this time with a little more support than normal and a determination to make it (VERY slowly). My goal… lose 70 lbs in 2 years. I wanted something attainable and not to make myself feel like a failure (which is usually what happens).

So then I started thinking…. how can I lose weight???? Oh and with no money cause I have no money… so videos that’s cheap! But you know what … they don’t have work out videos for “fat” girls.  They have the token chunky  girl and I suppose it is to inspire  us to lose weight but show me a fat girl that can’t get anywhere near the movement and then maybe I will be able to work on it.

I also have trouble with the eating part of it!! My absolutely wonderful sister suggested I go vegan… yeah right?!?!?!?! I couldn’t possibly go with out steak. But I have worked on cutting out fast food (this is huge!!) and I now count calories…. MyFitnessPal is freaking amazing! So I am doing baby steps… to prove that I can… and to get over all the times I have seen those very frustrating quotes about how I can do things but just don’t … it’s a LIE (at least for me)

But my best friend through all of this is my pain meds… otherwise I wouldn’t be this far…. and so the battle continues… one day, one step at a time…