So I know most people mean actual bread but for me these days … I mean medications. And I know it is crazy but I have decided to do whatever it takes to get through this. And honestly I am a bit scared. What if this never ends? What if I never lose the weight?
I am 30 weeks into the process and still pretty fat.
I do want to scream at every person that isn’t hugely over weight… Get on the ball NOW!!! I am so jealous of people that can move with out pain pills. I know I just have to keep going. You know when you are growing up people tell you to strive for your dreams… Well, my dream is to be able to walk a mile without pain, and to one year NOT topping out my flexible spending for medical insurance! Although reaching the maximum out of pocket is kind of exciting… 100% medical paid… bring it on!!
Don’t mind me I am taking another step forward.
You know when I see someone that is “larger than normal” I usually think (to myself) I hope I never let myself get that big…. well here I stand at 300 lbs. I think the thing that works against me is i don’t “look” like I weigh that much. No one would guess my weight (I am seriously considering going to one of those places where they try to guess weight and age – cause I don’t look 37 either). But there it is the stark truth… I am fat!!! (and not in that I’m a skinny girl but think I am fat way….)
It starts with a decision to change. Some say this is the hardest step, but I have decided this so many times and unfortunately it usually ends with me in agony… sleeping a big chunk of the day. So I have started (again) this time with a little more support than normal and a determination to make it (VERY slowly). My goal… lose 70 lbs in 2 years. I wanted something attainable and not to make myself feel like a failure (which is usually what happens).
So then I started thinking…. how can I lose weight???? Oh and with no money cause I have no money… so videos that’s cheap! But you know what … they don’t have work out videos for “fat” girls. They have the token chunky girl and I suppose it is to inspire us to lose weight but show me a fat girl that can’t get anywhere near the movement and then maybe I will be able to work on it.
I also have trouble with the eating part of it!! My absolutely wonderful sister suggested I go vegan… yeah right?!?!?!?! I couldn’t possibly go with out steak. But I have worked on cutting out fast food (this is huge!!) and I now count calories…. MyFitnessPal is freaking amazing! So I am doing baby steps… to prove that I can… and to get over all the times I have seen those very frustrating quotes about how I can do things but just don’t … it’s a LIE (at least for me)
But my best friend through all of this is my pain meds… otherwise I wouldn’t be this far…. and so the battle continues… one day, one step at a time…
So I need to gather a brief medical history to give to my personal trainer (I have one lol) he also wants a summary from my chiropractor.. which I will get next time I am in.
I have always had physical issues it starts with a weak foundation I believe. … I have flat feet. So I twisted my ankles all growing up (once resulting in a broken toe), I have exercise-induced asthma (diagnosed at 18) and a tendency for anemia.
When I was 18 I rode a bike for 500 miles (over 5 days) and after a month of horrible knee pain (right knee) I finally went to the Dr. she diagnosed Osgood-Schlatter disease basically said my knee was still growing and told me to take 4 advil when it started hurting. After a couple years (and getting up to 6 advil at a time – I was young and foolish) I went back to the dr (different one) and they said it was tendinitis. With the same treatment plan (still have issues… I use alieve now instead of advil).
I went to a chiropractor some time latter and he took a full body scan. The results are as follows…. I have one hip higher than the other, 3 spots in my back that were “off”, and my neck curved the wrong way (forward instead of back).
In the fall of 1999 I “pulled” all of the muscles in my right shoulder and went to PT for a few months. It still gives me issues most of the time. The next year I dropped off a rope and twisted my right ankle as I came down, and more PT. In spring of 2002 I decided to get in shape and walked a mile every day with almost no side effects, this was probably the last time I was consciously “in shape”. I worked for camp for many years after that and had a physically active lifestyle.
In Sept 2005, I woke up one day with the worst headache I have ever had. I went to many doctors and tried many medications. Some relief was found through constant chiropractor work (he asked me when I was in a car accident – I asked if the one when I was like 5 counted and he thought I had been in one recently), and massage therapy I had some relief. My axis and atlas joints in my neck were twisted and tilted (those are the top two joints). After a year of pain and the many doctors finding no cause for it, they opted for steroid shots in 6 joints in my upper neck.
Since then (2006) all attempts at getting “in shape” have ended in complete pain mostly in my neck and usually months of agony. This is a very frustrating process.
It seems my body doesn’t want to be put into shape…so now I am living off of pain pills and icyhot. I had to remember that I am fat! Not in the I am a horrible person and gave no self esteem fat, just….I forgot to exercise for a few years and had some major injuries and now I am trying to recover, kind of fat. So I have to treat myself like I am fat. So baby steps….to start out 30 mins on a recumbent bike…and 5 mins on a treadmill…been good for 3 weeks in a row….headache
s and knee pain aside it is going well!!